I began this follow-up piece about sexual harassment and related matters after hearing more stories which kept raising the bar on what I’d call outrageous, even though I try to have a very high bar. The first punch was about a lady who worked at one of the most reputable global firms which had a presence in Nigeria. She met a manager whose tactic was to keep ladies working longer hours alone in the office and he became all touchy. The sad part was that this dude brought a ton of profitable clients to the firm so he was untouchable. When she reported an encounter with him to the firm’s “authorities,” she was brought into an all-female panel and was hounded with questions that focused on why she was in the office that late and the credibility of her accusations. She ended up leaving the organisation disappointed.
I agree that sometimes, false accusations are made for various reasons. However, this wasn’t one of such cases. A colleague reacted dramatically when she heard this story because it was an all-female investigative committee. I shook my head in disappointment to her shock. I thought, “How naive can you be?” It’s human nature. Most people get sensitive and loud-mouthed when I casually attribute these things to basic human nature. My response? Please read Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland by Christopher R. Browning and we can have a conversation afterwards about human nature. For a shorter version, please refer to Jeremiah 17:9. Selah!
I say this very carefully, examples of the scenario above clearly show the issues I have with poorly thought gender generalisations. À la, men are, women are. Certain things are human, plain and simple. Exploitation, greed, violence, hate, abuse and all their cousins are universal traits. They do not side with certain chromosomes. A stronger stance would be the description of how men or women typically display certain virtues or vices, which still falls prey to the generalisation trap. I had an acquaintance who was beaten by her mother when she was younger after she reported a neighbour who repeatedly fondled her. I also met someone who was raped by a stepbrother and the father didn’t believe her report. I am not trying to make this a men vs women thing, nor am I trying to take the attention from the trauma and pain experienced by these people. I am simply trying to say we should address the issues rather than being trigger-happy on X (Twitter) to say “that gender, blah blah blah.” For those who may not be able to see beyond this screen, I wish you well. Have a cupcake!
In my previous piece, I pointed to the dearth of sex education for males (again, I largely focus on the male side of things because of the number of reported cases, the highly subjective nature and the tiny amount of data/information on female harassment). It’s easy to rage on X (Twitter) and express outrage. I’m not sorry, but anyone with a mouth, hands, internet and a smartphone can go on social media and scream “the audacity of men,” but spelling out what’s inappropriate and seeing through on the implementation of punitive measures is another. I’d be curious to see the impact of societal-wide intervention in schools, workplaces, social centres, religious institutions etc. We all assume that people know what’s appropriate and what’s not. I get it, I do. But I beg to differ. I think a lot of people see nothing wrong in misbehaving. It’s probably one of those things but don’t get me wrong, I do not absolve the willfully bad boys from this. Plus, there is a cohort of people who do not believe that bad things can happen to sex offenders, and they live life on the edge.
I also think there’s also the part where as men, we’ve been told next to nothing about the value of our bodies. I don’t have to give examples of how much value society places on the bodies of women, and how the narrative is largely lopsided in judging behaviours which defile or exalt the female body. Even though the bible clearly does not state that the bodies of women are the temple of God, rather all men (this is referring to humans, for the gender-sensitive people). This might be one of the rough hypotheses for why a majority of naughty harassers are men; they have not been told of the worth of their bodies. Hence, it is easier to misuse it. I also understand the ritual significance of the female body over the male one. Don’t worry, I won’t take you back to my Anthropology of Cognitive Systems class as a Sociology and Anthropology major.
In my previous piece, I mentioned a friend (female banker) whose female manager (let’s call her Slickback, after the pimp in the Boondocks) tried to pimp her to a customer. Slickback stated she did it, so others also had to pass through the same rite of passage. When she mentioned this, I remembered how certain madams of prostitutes treated their girls, with the same “I’ve gone through it, everyone has to face the same experience” mindset. As corporate leaders in whatever form, I think it is important that you try not to act funny to the people under your responsibility. That is the highest form of betrayal. In The Divine Comedy: The Vision of Hell, Purgatory and Paradise, Dante Alighieri laid out the topography of hell, with betrayers at the bottom and lowest parts of hell. From Dante’s analogy, I’d deduce that underneath each problem are layers of problems, and the worst problem is betrayal. We need to trust each other to have a relationship. You should not take on the role of guardian and become a wolf. Every time we misbehave sexually, we exhibit betrayal, further exposing victims to the lowest part of hell.
A friend was told by a C-Suite executive when she walked into his office that he liked her and asked her to “quickly bend down, so they can do it quickly.” He further told her, “Ask around, I buy cars for the ladies I sleep with.” I use this example because some people will jump on this opportunity and probably not be offended. If you fit this bill, you are not the audience for this piece. I respect that you are an adult capable of making decisions and doing what you feel is in your best interest. I was quickly schooled about a similar school of thought by a former acquaintance. While I was trying to put my thoughts together for the preceding piece on this topic, we were talking about the fact that certain inappropriate comments and gestures that spring from hypersexualisation get thrown around, and she asked me, “What if the lady likes it?” Stunned, I asked, “What do you mean if the lady likes it?” She responded, “What if the lady likes the attention that comes with men being all around and over her in the office, and she likes to flaunt some skin?” “Hmm, you’re right,” I said, taking the conversation no further. I won’t dwell on dressing and what’s appropriate, any further. For starters, it’s a very delicate area, and I don’t think sex offenders are driven by clothing, so I strongly believe that the rape apologists or victim-blaming view of “What did she wear” or “Why did she dress like that” is dead on arrival.
Some people have been coerced into sexual relations with the subtle or direct threat of official sanctions, withdrawal of benefits, pointless mood swings and yelling at the victim at work. Some people bend at some of this or a mix of these approaches. However, some go harder. For example, I once knew a lady who had studied Law but was in the Customer Experience department of an organisation. I know how a lot of us study certain courses and end up doing outrageously different things, but I always found her case weird. It made sense when I found out that the head of the legal department had asked her to sleep with him and she turned him down with nice words. She asked him if he wasn’t ashamed of asking girls whom he could father, to sleep with him. He made sure she never got a role in the legal team, telling whoever cared to listen that she had a pass from law school, even though other members of his team also had the same grade.
A friend once hitched a ride with a senior colleague. I know, the issues that have come out of “the ride” can fill a book. Along the way, he drove to a pharmacy and bought a condom. Immediately after he got into the car, he showed her and said, “This is the one we are going to use today.” This wouldn’t be wild if she had a previous conversation alluding to an intention to get all cuddly under the sheets, or if he was making a sick joke. Thankfully, she went into quick-thinking mode and texted her aunt to give her a call right away and yell at her to come home immediately. God bless her aunt who understood the assignment — she called with guns blazing. She switched to loudspeaker mode for Durex to hear her aunt yell, he was so concerned and wondered why her aunt was so abrasive. He agreed to drop her off given the unexpected turn of events. It pains me to admit that there’s a group of people who assume that the problem here is that she asked for a ride home. I won’t address this cohort as I don’t speak crap.
Let’s talk about a hill on which I am willing to die: the almighty booze. Or more interesting, intoxication and consent at work. I say this not because I am public enemy no 1 of the booze but because it is corollary of dizziness, muddiness and fuzzy memories. Before you make the case for “controlled liquor,” carefully think about the people you know who can actually handle their liquor and intentionally draw the line of “how much is enough.” I heard of a female CEO who had a few drinks, got tongue loosed and told a female colleague that she looked like she must have been quite slutty when she was in the university. The comment wasn’t pre-empted and it was very random.
We rarely talk about it but it’s blindingly obvious that intoxicated people are quite capable of behaving quite normally even if later they suffer memory loss from these events. In short, they blackout. We already have a hard time explaining to rapists and rape apologists the concept of consent, à la no means no, isn’t this another way in which we make things a lot harder. If you think that we should all act properly irrespective of the booze in our tummies, then you probably need an emotional support animal. To quote Ken Mackenzie, an accredited specialist in Criminal Law,
We all know those pervy-nerdy colleagues who after having a few sips of whiskey, start forcefully pulling ladies to dance [inappropriately] with them. I also know that alcohol helps people ease up in corporate-social functions but it is one of those situations where you must keep the baby and the bath water. If you step out of line, that’s on you. Now before you come after me for coming after the almighty booze, I acknowledge most people misbehave without being under the influence. I have done no research, but I guess that most incidences of misbehaving happen when we aren’t under the influence.
As humans, I believe we need to actively reduce the number of foolish things we say publicly. We all have the tendency to spit out garbage publicly, however, some people put in more effort than others to place verbal guardrails which prevent them from slipping. What do I consider to be verbal BS? Statements like when a newly hired manager says in the first team introductory meeting, “There are so many fine girls here, are you sure I can cope?” It’s inappropriate and not funny. I also remember when an ex-female colleague asked a guy in the office, “Can I smack your bum?” I thought, “Hmm, what would happen if this question came from the other side of the fence?” Sadly, he obliged. You might say he consented but I’d leave this one to Big Mummy HR to judge.
In a similar situation, a friend of mine witnessed a lady smack the bum of a male colleague and she asked the lady immediately, “Why did you smack his bum? If he smacks your bum, how will you react?” Sadly, this is the part where a lot of chest beaters and naughty kids will publicly and shamelessly spit out nonsense like, “It’s not the same thing, our bodies are built differently” or “We were just playing.” Playing? By smacking asses at work? Alright, I wanna play too. How about you turn around? To be honest, I think some badly behaved female colleagues have a male bum fetish. Who would have thought, the a** fascination is not so one-sided after all.
I admit that I have gotten into the grey territory, where there are no black-or-white responses. People get close to each other at work and say or do things which could be outrightly illegal or inappropriate and they are cool with it. However, this mindset also drives certain inappropriate conversations and actions and the offenders throw a couple of “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “Why are you so uptight?” My response is the same one I gave to an employee I once managed who asked how to handle a situation when he is attracted to a senior employee: when in doubt, keep it professional.
I once read an article published at the peak of the #MeToo buzz. I cannot find it, nor can I remember the title. I recall that it was published on Business Insider. The idea of the piece was simple: do not compliment colleagues at work based on their appearance. Instead, limit compliments to work performance and job output. You might slam your palms on your cheeks with your eyes wide open, like the poster image for Home Alone and complain about the extreme approach. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s easy to get carried away by the faux impression that we are all cool colleagues and say what’s borderline or outrightly inappropriate. When in doubt, my second advice: play it safe. You start talking about a nice gown, the next item on the agenda is figures and curves (geometry, eh?) and you slowly find yourself in inappropriate kingdom.
A friend told me about a potential business partner with her company who saw a picture of her niece on her WhatsApp status. He asked, “Is this your daughter?” She responded in the negative. His response was wild: “No wonder, as your breasts are still standing like that.” She reprimanded him and asked her boss to cancel the engagement, giving a vague reason. I wondered, how many people have lost businesses because of such a public and shameless display of filth. I want to reiterate from my last piece that I am not trying to present myself like the Pharisee in the Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector in Luke 18:11, who said, “God, I thank you that I am not like other people — robbers, evildoers, adulterers — or even like this tax collector.” Heaven only knows what I am capable of and the taxes I can collect, especially as the Bible tells us to be careful when we think we stand strong (1 Corinthians 10:12). Like most of what I write about, these are issues we see every day and we don’t legislate or discuss because it’s hard and complicated, or maybe because we are complicit in different degrees (the refusal to do nothing makes us culpable).
I think one way to keep ourselves in check is by thinking deeply about the impact of our actions or inactions. This includes asking questions like:
- What happens if I perform Action X?
- What happens if I don’t call out Event Z?
Try to think about the impact of your actions trying to satisfy a quick itch. Are you shameless enough to be comfortable whenever you see that colleague that you tried to kiss without their consent? Remember that colleague who turned you down and you responded, “You ain’t gonna get none of this anywhere else.” FYI, there’s a lot of that everywhere. Have some shame for chrissake!
