While I was writing this piece, I hit a brick wall for months because of the sensitivity of the topic and the choice of a focal point for discussion (i.e., either the victims of sexual harassment or the Bad Santas). I had a couple of conversations to act as a litmus test for the relevance of this piece, and the most profound was with an acquaintance I made at a potluck on Christmas Day. She explained that most times, power is the basis for harassment. I stared with keen interest and confusion, which she caught and further expatiated. The perpetrator usually feels they are in a more powerful position than the potential victim. In a work environment, this is the more senior staff who can leverage the power of their position to get away with anything. In a different scenario, this is the more influential or wealthy person in the picture. The same logic can be slammed on the scenarios that play out predominantly in Nigerian public universities, with the point of inference being the ability to fail non-complying students. In private situations, it can be a bit simpler to change the terms of engagement by showing that the point of influence (e.g., wealth or higher wealth) means nothing to you; however, in corporate situations, it’s not always so simple. This is even worse in situations where there are no trustworthy means of redress.
There’s an interesting mix in all this. This is a class of inappropriate conversations that could be interpreted as suggestive. Now, I know we make friends at work, and we discuss all sorts of things, from the most recent episode of Solo Leveling to the traffic situation in Lagos to the fact that your one-year-old just started walking. However, especially in conversations with colleagues of the opposite sex, certain lines have to be drawn. I have a friend who got close to a senior manager as an intern, and he kept complaining to her that his wife doesn't sexually satisfy him. She was very uncomfortable with these conversations, but due to his seniority, she couldn’t say this at the time. Was he genuinely having issues in his marriage, or was he declaring an indirect interest in my friend? Even if he was having issues in his marriage, is an intern the best person to tell that your yo-yo tank is low? Before you come at me and say she should have said "XYZ, blah blah blah," remember your mental maturity and verbal fluency while you were an intern or the equivalent age and respond very carefully.
A further pattern is a complete lack of shame, which I have seen when these things happen. I’ll list three examples:
- A former colleague repeatedly told a lady at work that he’d probably leave his wife for her, jokingly. He went ahead to say he had told his wife that he had a girlfriend at work, and when she tried to reduce her interactions with him, in his typical Bad Santa manner, he became resentful.
- I also experienced a scenario between a manager and a former colleague and friend of mine. It felt more repulsive given the fact that he was a friend of her mum, which didn’t seem to bother him. I overheard a conversation between the two of them: she said, “I can't; you are married” (pointing to her ring finger) “Do you want to go there?” He responded. “Imagine screwing your friend’s daughter,” I thought, cringing and shivering.
- An ex-colleague (let’s call him Magic Hands) touched the lap of a lady while giving her a ride home. She wasn’t pleased and asked him never to repeat the action. I’m finally trying to have hope in humanity, so I want to believe we have evolved past the stage when people ask silly questions like, “Well, was her dress too revealing?” or “Why was she alone with him in his car?” Interestingly, he used to pick her up from the front of her apartment on his way to work. However, after he had been given a verbal spanking, he became quite hostile. He would stop at her junction and call her, shouting angrily for her to meet him up very quickly. “Poor guy; all he wanted was to give a lap rub,” I thought.
- I know a lady who worked in a bank, and when she rejected the advances of a senior manager, she was posted to a branch that was quite far from her place of residence as a punishment for turning him down. “Was that necessary?” I asked. “Simply because she refused to help him satisfy his itch,” I thought.
- I also know another female ex-banker (I assure you, the banks do not have a monopoly over these things) who was a relationship manager, and a customer once told her manager (also a lady) that he liked her and the way everything jiggles. Her ̶p̶i̶m̶p̶ manager asked her to visit the customer the next day (a weekend) to open an account for him. Who opens accounts on a weekend? (Acts surprised.) She didn’t go, and in her own words, “That was the beginning of my problems in the bank.” She was denied valuable accounts, which were crucial to attaining her financial targets as a business development staff. Being an entry-level employee, she was also denied basic knowledge of the tricks of the trade, and she kept struggling until she thankfully got an international opportunity and pulled an immediate resignation on the bank.
I write about this because it’s one thing to be harassed by a stranger on the streets (it doesn’t make it less annoying or inappropriate); however, it’s another thing to be harassed by a colleague and still see them regularly in the same office. There’s a constant reminder of a disgusting, painful, or uncomfortable moment. Well, you might say, “Justin! Get off your bloody high horse; who do you think you are to point out all this drama?” I do not doubt the fact that I am capable of every one of these atrocities, and if you think you aren’t, then you are ignorant and you know nothing about human nature. And yes, it cuts across both sides of the gender divide. However, this isn’t a piece to directly delve into a couple of Jeremiah 17:9 discussions.
I find it quite bold and dumb when inappropriate advances are turned down and the perpetrator turns to malice as a response. This played out in a previous organisation with a manager who I’d call "Tasty.” (You'll see why soon enough.) Tasty tried to kiss an intern in the elevator, and she pushed him away. He didn’t stop there but went ahead to tell her that he’d like to know how she “tasted on the inside.” When she kept refusing his advances, Tasty eventually stopped talking to her. I later found out that it was Tasty’s modus operandi with other colleagues as well, namely:
- Talk nasty.
- Try something inappropriate, e.g., fondling or forceful kissing.
- Get rejected.
- Start keeping malice.
- Rinse and repeat with someone else.
In all cases, they were all much more junior staff. With the seeming lack of support for younger employees who report these issues, or even a subtle frustration of investigative and disciplinary efforts by those at the helm of affairs, these people usually have to resort to an avoid-him-at-all-cost approach.
During an onboarding session in a former organisation of mine, a lady asked a female member of Big Daddy Corporate (BDC) how female staff could handle cases of sexual harassment. BDC’s rep told her she'd have to use wisdom. I was furious when I heard this at the time; however, knowing what I know now and how companies generally like to avoid these issues or bury such cases when they come up, I no longer have such reactions. However, I have a simple question for those at the helm of affairs who can do something about these issues but have done nothing, as well as the perpetrators (I am tempted to dump you in the same bucket): “Would you feel comfortable if you knew there’s someone around in the office who has tried to harass you?”
I might get slaughtered for this, but I slightly feel we are all culpable to different degrees, and I say this very carefully. In Influence, New and Expanded: The Psychology of Persuasion, Robert Cialdini spoke about the bystander effect. We think it’s someone else’s job to speak up or handle it. Or things will just miraculously fix themselves. I always think about how I’ve personally evolved at work, from previously handling people-centred projects to currently managing technology projects, and how I no longer care about people initiatives at work. I generally delete those emails when they come in; if you can’t fit them into my performance objectives, then I don’t want a part of them. If I may be so bold as to extend this reasoning, then probably we need to squeeze this into the accountability metrics of employees or groups of employees, e.g., Big Mummy HR (BMHR), business leaders, and BDC. I cringe as I write this, but then, this might be one of the answers. However, in turn, we also stand a high risk of this becoming another bureaucratic event like every other thing in the corporate world, and real change might never see the light of day.
You may also wonder, even though some companies have proper structures in place for reporting, why are these channels not always used? I think it is partly societal. Some of these ladies have been constantly exposed to different levels and types of harassment (within and out of the workplace), ranging from inappropriate comments, which include the subtly suggestive, to the outright explosive. You speak to a couple of ladies and see that they have become insensitive (sadly) towards these things. It has simply become one of those things (sadly, again).
Another breeding ground for misbehaviour is when alcohol is thrown into the mix. You might disagree with me, but I strongly believe:
- Alcohol + office hangouts = a big no-no.
At this point, your blood might boil, and you’d say, “Justin, how dare you come for our booze?” or “It doesn’t affect everyone.” Just stay with me. I know alcohol helps people unwind and have much-needed small talk, which in turn can build social relationships, etc. However, I have generally seen that senior staff are usually better at handling their liquor, and this could vary for several reasons, ranging from emotional and physical maturity to higher, regular consumption of alcohol due to higher purchasing power (which in turn might create some drunkenness resilience) or the text-book-like and rehearsed mode of interaction by senior employees who generally have more wealth. At the junior level, things generally get quite ugly quickly. From the drunk guy or lady whose suppressed corporate infatuations are brought to the surface by the almighty booze, to the drunk associate who starts telling the managers about “who’s dating who.” This is further expressed by highly inappropriate comments to colleagues, borderline overt fondling or attempts to fondle, forcing a colleague to have a dance and other possibilities that I cannot imagine or have not experienced. Before you add booze to the end-of-year office hangout budget, ask yourself:
- Do the benefits outweigh the risks?
- How much is too much? (This is trickier to manage when you have more camels in employee clothing.)
I remember one time when a manager tried to grab a fellow junior colleague by the waist and forcefully dance with her at an office party after a few drinks. She blankly asked him, “Are you mad?” The look on his face was priceless, like someone who lost all his life earnings betting on an Arsenal football match (I’m an Arsenal fan, BTW.) There’s something called “personal space,” and irrespective of the gender of a person, you shouldn’t touch them mindlessly. I’d also like to add that there seems to be a cultural or societal (take your pick) element to it in this part of the world. You ask people not to touch you, and they call you proud. Or they tell you, “You form a lot,” or “You are too stiff or uptight,” or “Who are you that they cannot touch you?” I hear these things a lot, and once people make these statements, I generally feel the speaker doesn’t have a lot going on mentally or there’s low activity in the cerebral region.
There’s also an interesting cohort in the mix of all this mess; these are people who thought they were having mutually agreeable discussions (I’ll let your mind wander on this one) with another colleague, and when some questions are asked, which could include asking the other person out to lunch or for a closer relationship, all sorts of accusations are hurled, like when dirt was hurled at Cersei Lannister in the 5th Season of Game of Thrones with the words, “Shame!” I think this is the most sensitive part of my ramble, and I will try to tread carefully. I have seen a lady overtly and repeatedly flirt with a senior manager in an organization where I worked in the past, and when he asked her to dinner, she was uncomfortable and ran to some of us to help her. “Imagine the guts,” I thought. What was she expecting? Well, you might say, “What if he misinterpreted her friendliness for flirtation?” This is a stone that gets regularly thrown at men, and I agree it is mostly justifiable (the stone); however, there are times when it is all lies.
There are examples of women who complain about being sexualized at the gym when they are scantily clad and men stare at them while working out. I stumbled on a video that completely captures this on Unapologetic by Amala Ekpunobi. There’s a word for it; it’s called virtue-signalling. It’s dumb, and it’s stupid. I mean, the popular fitness company i-Fitness also sent a message complaining about gym clothes some months ago. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of instances where women are wrongly sexualized by men. However, I am not referring to those scenarios. Of course, not all women are like that. Not even most. (It would sound better and be more publicly acceptable if a woman made this statement.) However, we need to understand that social meanings are constantly shifting in fluid social environments, making it easy to be caught off guard.
In the world we live in today, it is hard to find people who try to think clearly, but I assume that people who read pieces such as mine are clear thinkers or are on the pilgrimage to common sense land. I would plead for a realistic and pragmatic view of human sexual interactions, based on the fact that human interactions are complex and it’s easy to misunderstand someone’s intentions. People often mistake friendliness for flirting, but relationships between genders are never straightforward or always rational. I have friends who are females (I detest the word “female friends”; a friend is a friend, plain and simple), and we usually have an unspoken or sometimes spoken understanding of when lines are being crossed.
Well, you might say, “Men’s Lives Also Matter.” Yeah, yeah, team M.L.A.M. I agree, and I’ve experienced it firsthand. From the inappropriate comments to the lack of respect for personal space, I can go on and on. However, that isn’t the focus of this piece. You might think that I am trying to be a poster boy for the social justice movement or trying to score cheap points from Feminism FC. No! I am not; I’ve seen some men do it, and they usually look stupid in the process. I’m not a feminist, and I do not think we all have to be feminists. We can demand (or fight) for basic rights without slamming -ist tags on ourselves. But this piece isn’t about feminism or identity politics; I am simply trying to point out the obvious or the swept-under-the-carpet obvious and advocate for the same thing I have always pushed: basic, common sense. And I don’t have to have an -ist or -ism attached to who I am or what I am doing. This ramble is also quite one-sided, i.e., primarily focused on women, because I think it’s a lot trickier for males because of various personal assumptions:
- Males typically do not speak about these things.
- The numbers are lower and not as prevalent as those of women. (I say this very carefully, as I have no data to back this up in terms of conversations and research. However, the assumption is that these numbers are lower and it is not 0.)
- Difficulty in answering the questions, “Have I been harassed? What constitutes sexual harassment for males?”
When it comes to these things, I try to give the least amount of advice and stick more to stories and context for readers to make their subjective judgment. I mean, I don’t have all the answers, and whatever I’ve experienced and seen is just a microcosm in the grand scheme of things. I say this because, in all of this, we understand that some genuine romance stories started in the workplace. For example, I have a good friend whose parents used to be work colleagues. You might say, “What if we are genuinely on to something?” How can we manage those situations within certain workplace policies that say, “Even if you think you are innocent, if the accuser feels otherwise, you are culpable.” (I didn’t make this up; a global organisation has this as part of the onboarding lecture series.)
My advice is to always play it safe and be clear about your intentions. Avoid allusions or the implying trap. Unnecessarily long hugs, eye winks, shoulder rubs, unnecessary chumminess, etc. All that nonsense of a work wife and work husband—was it your CEO who joined you in “corporate matrimony”? If someone does not explicitly say anything, believe they said nothing. It’s like the green light scenario in relationships, whether it’s Army Green, Dark Green, Lemon, Light Green, or even Green Lantern, etc. If they don’t say anything, then don’t imply anything. If you feel your time is being wasted, ask inquiry questions and be as clear as possible. An example includes:
- “I have noticed you try to spend more time with me than usual; you buy me lots of gifts and compliment me a lot. What’s your plan? Are you interested in me, and where is this headed?”
I have had a couple of conversations in the past that bordered around the fact that in this part of the world at least, it’s radio silence sex education for boys (I’m male, so I’ll speak from what I have generally learned and observed). Looking back while growing up, they tell ladies, “Close your legs,” “Avoid sitting on the laps of people,” and “Do this, do that.” However, the boys were generally left on autopilot to do as they pleased. I’d have delved into deeper specifics, but this isn’t a piece on parenting, although I hear some of these conversations are being held by modern parents. Kudos! I would also like to briefly state some implications of these experiences, such as the erosion of trust. A personal experience was when I met another victim of Magic Hands. We chatted while I was writing this piece, and she told me her experience, which was so familiar to the first lady, that I had to ask, “Is this Magic Hands?” She responded affirmatively. I had given her a ride a couple of times, so I felt it was common sense that she’d generally not be comfortable in the cars of men. I asked a follow-up question: “Whenever I give you a ride, do you wonder if I would keep my hands to myself?” She also said yes. I took a deep breath because she had every right to feel that way due to her experience.
In my conversation at the potluck, the second thing that stood out to me was the fact that people in these situations need to know a simple statement: “It was not your fault.” What does this mean? It is easy to think of all the possible scenarios and ways in which you could have avoided ending up with sexual harassment or even molestation-related experiences. If I may use Magic Hands as an example, the ladies could be perpetually asking themselves, “If I had not entered his car, I wouldn’t have had that experience.” I would like to say it again: “It is not your fault.” You just met a badly behaved person. Another friend of mine also pointed out that this charge was quite reductionist and countered that victims are rarely going to see things otherwise, i.e., it was their fault. I believe this is a clear reflection of the sensitivity and dynamism of topics and scenarios like this. In summary, there are no easy answers, and it doesn’t help that this is one of those taboo topics that we are rarely willing to discuss and thoroughly address as people.
In conclusion, you might ask, “Why so many examples in this piece?” Well, I chose not to take out the individualism from individuals, even though there are generalisations I have made. If you are a chronic perpetrator, I urge you to think of the possible outcomes. You might not get away with it the next time. Imagine we were all truthful in job interviews (calm down, I said…imagine) and when you are asked, “Why did you leave your former place of work?” Your response is, “I touched laps.” Sigh… But then, what do I know? Maybe the urge to satisfy an itch is greater than the fear of being reported and losing your job. And possibly, nothing will ever change, and this entire piece might just be pointless.
